Johnny Perkins was really horny when he went to his previous years roommates party. When he arrived he remembered he forgot to bring three dollars for beer right before the little kid stood in front of him and said, "Hey buster, give me three dollars or scram". Johnny would have tactfully explained that he forgot it and would borrow money and pay him momentarily, but he didn't like the kids attitude, so he kicked him in the balls and threw him outside. As he was standing in line for beer, he remembered he had promised his mother that he wasn't going to drink that night because he was still recovering from a black eye from a bar brawl he had the night before, and she didn't want her son looking too ragged for the family reunion that was scheduled for the next day.

But as he was backing out of the line he heard a blood curdling scream in his ear and a cold beer pour all over his head. He angrily turned around to feel a knuckle connect so hard with his mouth that two of his teeth were knocked in and he saw stars. As soon as his vision cleared, he saw the most beautiful girl he had seen all night. She had deeply dyed red hair that took straight off like flames from her scalp to the heavens, only to take a 90 degree turn in every direction to cover her shoulders and wind around her body until it was tucked neatly into her sweat pants. If Johnny wasn't flabbergasted enough by her hair, which he was trust me, her snarl accentuated my the big red chewing gum that came hurling at his eye that was instantaneously replaced by a Hubba Bubba in what he swore to be less than a millionth of a second, sent him to the Netherlands of lust. He knew that if he tried to kiss her now she would probably try to bite his mouth off, so he gave her one of his patented head buts that instantly sent his wonder lust into never land. He knew that if he tried to carry her away now somebody would yell "rape" and everybody would bum rush him, so he grabbed a full wine bottle he saw near buy and poured it all over his uncouth lovers head to make her appear so drunk that she needed his help getting home.

As Johnny exited the house with his woman slung over his shoulder, he noticed the small child he hit was still unconscious lying in the middle of the road face down; and he thought to himself "fuck yea, I'm strong as fuck, hee how!!!". He didn't want the Child's head to get squashed by a passing car so he picked the body up by its feet and swung it around a couple of times to gain momentum and tossed it through the front window of the house.

Just as he turned on his heals to go home with his booty, he had another epileptic seizure. When he woke up he was in a jail cell with this beautiful red haired woman who was starring directly at his arm muscles. Without thinking, he blurted out "I love you you fucking goddess from hell". At this her black swollen and bleeding eyes raised to his and she mumbled, "you got some fucked muscles dadio". At that moment, they knew it was love, so Johnny said, "Wanna fuck" and she said "fuck yea!", so they started fucking. At that moment her parents walked in with the warden, and her father said to Johnny, "Are you the boy who beat the crap out of my little Jezebel?". But Johnny, being smart to not make enemies with his girls father, explained to Jessie that he had a seizure, then said "Lets all go to he Hee-Haw".

In the pick up on the way to the He-How Johnny saw the house that the party was at. "See the corner, that's were it was". "A cop done comed around and sawned Jessie, he done sawned us there, and asked what happened". "Well after you beat the crap out of me in your seizure" Jessie continued. "he seen us, and done tooked us in cause he thought we was fighten and shit". "I tried to tell him not, but I was so dizzy from your abuse I could hardly make the words come out". "Then I called my parents when I could".

On their way to the Hee Haw they had a philosophical conversation, sparked by a dead dog they saw on the roadway. "That dogs dead" Big mama said. "How do you know bitch!" Big daddy replied. "Cause its legs is straight up", She said with a cool demure. "How do you know bitch". "Cause Elvis looked the same way when they found him, and he was DEAD as a doornail". "Well I knew that dog was dead any way bitch" Big daddy rebuffed. "Because it wasn't running around and shit, plus it got runned over buy that big truck this morning and it didn't get up".

"Oh turd!" Jezzie yelled, "We forgot granny and little Billy bob". "You dumb bitch" Big Daddy yelled, "Grannies house is right here!" And they pulled into a dark driveway filled with a hump-backed old hag who looked like she was at least a hundred and ninety, standing next to her was a three year old boy bitting on her leg. "It's about time" Granny said. "I thought you was dead, or some shit!" "No", Big mama gurgled. "We was gettin Jezebel out a prison". "Hee-haw!" Little Billy screamed as he heard the news. "Shut up and get in the back boy!" Granny retorted as she was getting into the back seat of the cab". "Whose this ogre?" She continued, as she pointed to Johnnie's head. "Nobody points at big John like that and lives old woman!" He yelled in her face. A surprised Big Daddy turned around and exclaimed "Dats da farst thang I hard you say, da whole day boy". "So it does talk!" he continued to big mama. "He's my boy friend", Jezzie exclaimed as she slapped grannies cheek "Nobody call him ogre less I say, you hear?" "Hey where's your little boy," Granny then said to Jessie. "It ain't back there no more" as she pointed to the back of the pick up truck. "Oh don't worry about him" Big daddy shouted. "Bobby sue and Billy-Bob-Joes coming to da Hee Haw later, day'll find him and give 'em a good woopin fer us". "Yea he's a tough little bugger", continued big mama. "Yesterday he felled off the roof and just bounced off the concrete and into the trash and just felled asleep like nothing happened".

When they got to the He Haw, there was already a couple fights going on, but mostly the people were still dancing, heaving their heads forward and backward with their long hair flinging in every godforsaken direction and punching the air and each other as hard as they could. As the entourage stepped inside, Johnny hanged his head into the top of the door Frame. "Whogh. How big is you boy!" Big Momma said. "Six ten, five hundred fifty pounds" Johnny said in reply. "Well then, go beat some heads for me" Jessie heaved. So Johnny stepped out into the dance floor and started smashing men an women's heads together and throwing their limp bodies out of the way as he made his way to the stage, where he got up and threw the singer off the stage and sang his song as he was looking directly into Jezzie's eyes. "I'm big Johnny and I fucked my bitch in jail, she looks like them angels from hale, she'll kick your ass too, cause I'll make sure its true, I could kick your head in, and I graduated from high school too". At that moment everybody started screaming and clapping and throwing beer bottles at him, most of which hit his head and some how knocked him unconscious. He woke up to find old Granny naked on top of him in the process of pulling his penis out, but right before he was about to scream in horror, little Billy jumped out of nowhere and started biting on her ass, which made her scream long enough for big Johnny to get away an obtain shelter behind Jezzie, but right as he got to his bitches arms, they where scorched alive by the gas line that was somehow broken open and lit on fire.

The End

Zany love story