Journals During College

1992

Wyoming

6-8-92

Basically my spiritual growth was limited as long as I lived with my parents. Some of the reasons I can think of: Whenever I came up with any kind of outrageous idea, my parents shot them down with their conservative logic. I learned many wonderful facts from them, but learned all I could from them, it was time for me to move on.

When I graduated from High School I worked for a month in the Bridger National Forest outside of Pinedale Wyoming as a campground host; which was a good time for reflection. Then I guided two 16 day backpacking trips in the San Juan mountains in southwestern Colorado.

This was the major breakthrough in showing me what I am meant for. I never really had a chance to lead, and here I discovered that what it took to be a great leader was to respect every member of the group for who they were, and to speak with them on their level of consciousness. Out in nature, you have so many opportunities to show what you believe in without even having to verbally say it. For example, if I go out on a hike with somebody from the city, and when we reach the top of the hill I say to him/her, sort of to myself; "it is beautiful from here, I want to go there and see what it looks like"; he/she would get a gist of what it means to be in nature. And why people go on expeditions to distant and hard to reach places when they never would have know why. Then, maybe they would become inspired to go out and see what living in nature is all about.

When I discovered I was good at this, especially with young people, I knew I was a born leader. So from then on I wanted to be a guide into nature for many reasons: I want to spend time in nature to learn about myself, and the way things work in the natural world. To contemplate how the universe first formed for example, how masses of dirt formed and began to revolve around huge balls of sheer energy. How these planets sprouted simple life, which slowly evolved into a beautiful and complex system of balance in life forms. Then I would like to do my part in making the improvement in consciousness by spreading my honest opinions to others in a respectful and true manner. Being in nature also aligns my bodily energies with those of the earth, which is a very powerful, beautiful, and peaceful feeling. The energy of evolution.

Today was my first day here in the campground. My goals for the three weeks I have here are basically to get back into shape by: Hiking, riding my bike, swimming, working, climbing, stretching, and eating good food. This is very lonely for me, even though there are many campers nearby. I am planning on this to be a growth experience for me, to start me on the path to the bold man I envision myself becoming. A man who is at peace with himself and nature. There is nothing more important than being confident in yourself. Knowing the right thing to do comes from a confidence and awareness within.

6-9-92

James picked me up at 7:30 this morning and gave me a ride up to Elk Heart Park with my bike. From there I rode my bike two miles to the forest boundary. I left the trailhead at 8:00 and got to Seneca lake at noon, and had lunch there for about an hour. Then I spotted my campsite, A NICE PATCH OF DIRT UNDER A BUNCH OF PINES, ALMOST LIKE IT WAS MADE TO BE A PLACE TO HANG OUT AT FOR A DAY. I AM ABOUT 50 FEET FROM THE LAKE, A GOOD DISTANCE TO Get WATER WITHOUT TOO MUCH Trouble.

WAVES OF LONELINESS HIT ME EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE. MY Dad WILL PROBABLY COME BY TO PICK ME Up ON THE 30TH, MY LAST DAY. HOPEFULLY HE WILL BE WILLING TO GO UP TO YELLOWSTONE. I HAVE FOUND QUITE A NICE PLACE TO SIT DOWN AND WRITE IN THIS LITTLE FORT. I HOPE I SEE A BEAR BUT NOT IN MY FOOD. I STASHED THE FOOD IN A PLASTIC BAG ABOUT 30 FEET AWAY, THAT WAY IF I Hear ONE EATING MY FOOD I CAN SCARE IT AWAY WITHOUT GETTING GORED. BY LOOKING AT THE ONLY TRAILHEAD TO THIS NATIONAL FOREST, JAMES AND I HAVE Come to THE CONCLUSION THAT I AM THE ONLY PERSON IN THIS VAST LANDSCAPE. I WAS THINKING OF CLIMBING A MouNTAIN ACROSS THIS LAKE, BUT I HIKED DOWN ONLY TO FIND OUT THAT THE LAKE IS ABOUT TWO MILES LONG. I AM AT THE DEAD CENTER OF IT, AND THE mountain IS DIRECTLY Across FORM ME, MEANING IT WOULD PROBABLY TAKE AT LEAST AN HOUR AND A HALF TO MAKE THE TRIP, IF I TROT. THAT Wouldn't BE A GOOD IDEA SINCE I AM NOW PROBABLY IN THE WORST SHAPE OF MY LIFE. I DON'T WANT TO bE SICK. I will get myself back into shape slowly, no problem taking my time. I have plenty of other chances to hike farther back.

6-11-92

Thursday. It's kind of drizzling now, I hope it rains hard. I am going to listen to the moody blues now.

6-14-92

Sunday. I just went on a ride up the two track. I Read all day yesterday and didn't leave camp until the evening patrol with James. I finished ''The Vision'' by Tom Brown Junior. That was probably the most powerful book I have ever read. It still hasn't sunken in yet. It makes me want to live with the Native Americans, preferably in the four corners area. I have been very tired and sleeping all the time lately.

6-19-92

Since Sunday the 14th a lot has happened. On Monday I went to a Ranger seminar at the library. Then got a ride to Dutch Joe, a nice cabin over looking a beautiful pasture. Tuesday morning I patrolled with Steve Witson, then we went to the ranger training. I was the leader of the group called the cow bell that won a competition, then I had a great dinner for free. The next day at wilderness ranger training we did scenarios. I left with Steve the following morning. I got up late today and waded into the lake up to my waist for about half an hour. Then explored around and called my family. Mike likes his job with Shano, Wyndham is going to the Reggae sun splash in Breckenridge tonight with Stew, Graham, Ian and some other guy. They will have fun. Shano is going too. I will read now.

6-25-92

I did the total death march yesterday. 40 miles in two days. 15 miles through rugged terrain down in a valley and back up again through countless switch backs to Summit lake where I camped, then I guess five more miles to the top of Glover peak. 12,068 feet, not too high, but a long way off. Then rode my bike down (eight or so miles) the road to camp. My feet hurt so much toward the end of that nine hour hike, that I was constantly limping.

The bones in my feet felt completely crushed, not to mention the red bloody blisters on my heals. If I ever get blisters with these boots again I will be pissed; they should be broken in by now. Since the heart of that hike I have felt very alone, possibly more alone than I have ever felt in my life. Like what's the meaning of life? I don't want such a dreary existence. I hear all this stuff about hate and pessimism. People like this critic Kurt and this guy Steve (the guys I talked to at Dutch Joe) seem to think that the human race is going to destroy itself, and there is nothing that can be done. This is the worst view anybody could have, even worse than not caring or not knowing. You must be optimistic. Then I hear about Indians hating white people and it makes me sad. We must unite. They have to be optimistic.

I will take it easy the rest of the time I am here and not worry about time. If I want to remain in my tent all day that's fine. Tomorrow (if it doesn't rain) I will go into town to do my laundry and call home. That will be 16 miles of tough exercise, with all my clothes in my backpack.

6-16-92

On Tuesday, my last day, I will do a thorough fire pit cleanup, trash pickup, latrine cleanup, and morning payroll to make the place look good when I leave it. I didn't have to ride all the way back the road to the camp today because James gave me a ride. I called home today and talked to wyndham. He enjoyed the concert and smoked a lot of dubie as always.

I want to be a warrior, not afraid of dorkosity, humiliation, rottenness, embarrassment, what other people think of me, and especially of my own inner feelings. This is a good chance to do that, and I intend to.

6-27-92

I rode around and checked out the defunct ski resort. It was spooky so I went on my way. I walked up the side of a hill and read. Then It rained so I went to the end of the road to the beginning of the trail and found a great outcropping of rocks good for climbing, then read some more.

6-28-92

Sunday. I will bring my climbing shoes to that spot today to climb and read some more. Yesterday was my unbirthday, exactly six months ago I turned 18 and in exactly six months I will turn 19. James went and busted those two guys who didn't pay. I read a lot of 'stranger in a strange land'. Maybe I can finish it by the time dad comes to pick me up on Tuesday evening. I have two nights and three days left here. Today I will go by and see if those skiers are here so I can water-ski. They weren't here yesterday. Right now I will walk around and pick up trash. There will be a lull in my journal writing for a few days, then I will pick it back up after the third day of the first backpacking trip at Tabor Mountain school.

Tabor Mountain School

7-9-92

We finished the third day hike and are getting to timberline. This is the first half hour solo that we have had so far this trip. George and Colleen put me in charge of teaching the E.K. (Educational kinesthiology, physical exercises that we did to help integrate the left and right sides of the brain and body). After this solo we will do a group balance. The side of this hill is very steep and there are a lot of trees and grass. I had a great time in Boulder.

On the forth of July Mike, Andy, and I hiked up Flagstaff and watched the fireworks, and Andy and I ate mushrooms. It was cool, probably the last time the three of us will hang out.

7-10-92

Friday. We are camped up above timberline, I just took a nap but stopped because the clouds covered up the sun. This is a reiteration of the vision that I had when Andy and I ate mushrooms in Boulder:

There is mother Earth and father sky (space). They are both our parents and they both love us. All living things are brothers and sisters. Even our own parents are siblings to us. When we are little children they take the place of "mama" and "papa" (mother earth and father sky). But when we mature we take in earth and space as mamma and papa because they are our true parents. For males, mama the earth is closer to us in spirit, but when a man becomes one with mama earth (after living with her and studying her, he also has to be at peace with himself). He has cracks at father space (universe), which is the most powerful experience ever for a man.

After more progress he can become one with father space which is a form of enlightenment. Then father universe and mother earth become one and he can relate to all living brothers and sisters. For the female it is the opposite. When she gets in touch with her spirit she is more in touch with papa. Papa displays his being in the: Stars, cosmos, order, massiveness, math, etc., which what intrigues women and brings their spirit initially forth. When women have studied papa enough and have become developed enough spiritually then they have peeks at their true spirit mama, which is what women are more spiritually close to. Mama are the energies of: The earth, ground, infinite support for siblings, the ecology, trees, plants, animals, little things, shelter, and comfort, etc... Then after living with both mama and papa, a fusion of spirit happens, and they are one with all the brothers and sisters. This is when there is no longer much of a difference between males and females, which is enlightenment.

All brothers and sisters are at different stages along this path to connection with mamma and papa. All brothers and sisters put together is mama and papa, all mama and papa is are the conglomeration of the life force of all the brothers and sisters. With mama and papa emerging as powerful globs of brothers and sisters. Mamma is a group of siblings, the planet or world to just them, papa is everything outside. Algae is an example of a primitive sibling. And after a while they grow to plants, then animals. And to what is the most sophisticated being our mother has shown us, the human.

Now I fee like I am just another face in the crowd, which means that everything everybody does is just a variation of "siblings", meaning nobody is special. We're all just a bunch of "marks" and "chumps", and treat all equally because we're all chumps. We're all different but no chump is better than the other. Some siblings are farther along the line to realization, and as far as relationships go that only means that the more "advanced" siblings have a responsibility to take care of the "primitive" siblings, but in a different way than the more "primitive" siblings take care of the more advanced siblings. We all support each other. We all love each other.

1993

5-30-93

Ten months have gone by since the last time I have written in the journal. I went through my Freshman year in college and a couple of months on the river guiding season:

5-31-93

So much time has gone by, and so much has happened, time flies. I have learned a lot since the last time I wrote in here. I am becoming very aware of what is going on with my emotions. I feel homesick now. Yesterday I drove back from Boulder, where I have been for a couple of days.

I have decided my major challenges are: Not consuming any sugar, not smoking any dope, not drinking any alcohol, and not drinking any caffeine. The reason I am so homesick, maybe, is because Wyndham is graduating in a couple of days, and the house I grew up in will be sold. All my memories of childhood are evaporating.

Yesterday I jumped Gross reservoir with Mike and Andy, we camped out there. I had an interesting year at the fort, it unraveled a lot of mysteries about people. I was strong for the first part of the first semester, but became very discombobulated because of living amongst college freshman and having angry roommates that I was around with too much. I don't know what I am going to do about housing next year, but I hope to get cool roommates.

I really want to get up at five every morning and be able to survive six hours of sleep a night, or at least know once and for all exactly how many hours of sleep I need.

6-17-93

I have been sleeping a lot lately, it's what my body wants to do. For the first time I am letting my body do what it wants. No forced workouts or tasks, I just do what I feel like, which right now is sleeping. I have achieved great patience this summer, I love being patient like this. I have no motivation to do anything and I don't care. I just sit here in my car all day long and listen to music. I don't even read that much. My major hurdle now is figuring out how to do work on my car.

I'm doing a Green river trip on the 20th with Bruce who has a bus of 14 years which has almost 200,000 miles on it. I will bring along my "Idiots guide to Volkswagen Maintenance" book and pick his brain. When we get back I will offer to do the entire de-rig if he shows me how to do the 3,000 mile tune up.

Here's a letter I found that I was wrote in school and was going to send to my family but never got around to it:

Dear family, being in college I have learned a lot, not only academically but socially and about myself. The main thing I have learned about myself is that I don't really know who I am. There are so many different kinds of people in the world and they all have certain good and bad qualities. I have recently been feeling depressed because people don't understand each other. I think I am discovering that I am different from everybody else. Everybody seems to belong to a certain group of friends that always hang out with each other. I don't hang out with the same people all the time, maybe that's my problem. People seem like they are actors in a movie, like they are always reciting rehearsed lines. People always seem like they are always trying to impress others or make it seem like they are being themselves by being annoying. People will always tell me about things they have done and things they want to do, and I am interested to. But nobody is interested in me, or in anybody else for that matter.

6-18-93

I was interrupted there by Chaz reminding me about the rig for their trip. I didn't know about it because I didn't check the schedule yesterday. Lesson: check the schedule every day because it is very tentative.

This job is good in so many ways: I get good exercise. I meat people from all around the world, study the geology, history, and biology of this area and teach it to people. I learn how to cook, I am in the outdoors, which reminds me I should get a star book and learn the constellations. I love showing people things and taking them places, and showing them a good time. I love exploring all the canyons, and studying petroglyphs, which reminds me I should get a petroglyph book. I also love rowing through rapids and getting the adrenaline rush of not flipping and running skull rapid. Tomorrow at five I will take a plane flight to the put in of our trip, I am very excited.

6-18-93

I am just evolving my task as laying aside fears of letting down my shield of character. Now I don't stress over being too nice, that is selfish and takes too much energy as I have experienced. Now I am grounded and don't smile and say "hi" when I don't want to, that way I don't run out of energy and I can go on forever this way giving pure vibes out, and people respect me even better this way. I don't force myself to
do any tasks like tuning my car. I just sleep most of the day when I get drowsy, and I don't care. I still get negative feelings of nasty people in my past being rudely contrary to me, but now I can see how it is in fact their problem and not mine. It doesn't bother me as much now. I like living in my car, which is a good thing for me spiritually.

I am deciding that this world is in fact the "Near wild heaven" that everybody dreams about thinking it is a past life, it is also the outer hell of destruction. This world provides the ultimate challenge for human kind. To have true equality and respect among all the races and creeds of the world, and in turn we can listen to the wise indigenous and respect and love and understand all the creatures of the world.

I feel such disgust at the killing of minorities and destroying of our world like uranium mining, nuclear weapons, and ancient forest cutting. So much disgust that I would feel justified in actually killing people who are feeding this corruption, and exploding their factories. My outrage grows with my conscience, I hope one day I do something good that helps a lot. We as a species are just starting out in our wisdom. The Native Americans were well on their way, but then we came, for some reason or another, and reared our ugly head bringing with us our technology, which brings only one thing that is good: Science, or a catalyst of some sort to the growth of us.

I sometimes have dreams of space travel, being in true unity with the cosmos and our neighbors could be a good thing in the future. But we need to get our priorities straight, reevaluate our conscience as a whole, because our society as a whole is still in the dark ages and has no wisdom. It is like we are so close to death, but saying that and burying extra food in the basement does no good. It's like free climbing a 500 foot sheer rock wall, don't freak out and give up or fall. Work you brains out in this most crucial time, to reach the top and be on a higher plain. I feel so grateful that I feel like I am on my way to peace with myself. I love this world.

7-13-93

I'm stoned and listening to LIVE. Whenever I get stoned now I really tense up, It's weird.

I just got off a three day Westwater with Grant, he's a cool guy, gets kind of up tight with the kids (we just got off an AA American adventures course). He is eccentric, a real character. I paddle boated through Westwater.

I plan to get up early tomorrow and getting stoned and go on a real big ride up that trail right out back here. I want to work real hard again, and jump start my brain, it has been kind of dead lately. I am starting to read black Elk speaks, hoping it will inspire me. If I am writing kind of strangely, it is because I am picking up on a conversation, just talking, so that is why I am writing like this. I want to go back to college. I have been really looking forward to it, even more than to my mom and my brother coming on a five day trip.

Here are some thoughts that come up when I am stoned: I have to be more clear, more spontaneous, and choosing the right thing to do, for example: I am using up so much energy debating if I should get more stoned or not, well do it. But not now so you don't lose your train of thought, fuck! I wish I had my fuckin goddamn ghetto blaster, that way I could have recorded this shit! Fuck! oh well, I am too tense, don't worry about it. I already lost my train of thought. I will go ahead and smoke! What I have to do is learn to enjoy everything I am doing. I'm freaking out man, I want to get back to my primitive self! Life is such a trip, what the fuck! I am always stressed and fighting, and wanting for some ancient and beautiful peace and love! I love my family and my friends. I want to love people and be myself. I want, just want to grow, I want to trip like this all the time and feel all the beauty and love. I want to ride hard tomorrow, I want to tune my car, I want to stretch, I am stretching, I want to really enjoy doing this this year. I'm all over the place! I'm sent quit voluntarily.

Sat. 21

Well the summer is almost over, just a couple more trips. I shroomed last night and smoked a lot of pot, I am still high today and switched tires and then tried to do a valve job but before I got started I stuck a monkey wrench on the generator bolt and then turned on my car forgetting about the wrench, I turned my car on to make sure that it would start. The fan belt went and the wrench blocked it, so my fan belt burnt up, so I tried to put a new one on by looking at my Volkswagen maintenance book, but I couldn't figure out how to do it. So I asked BJ to look at it and he couldn't figure it out either. So tomorrow when I have more energy I will find out what help I can get fixing it.

Sun. 8-22-93

Well I called up Bruce and he told me about were the adjuster screw is and low and behold I fixed it myself. I will save the 3,000 mile tune up for Durango. Today I also tried to change the oil in my Rock Shox, but couldn't even when I called up the bike shop. Tomorrow I will stop by Kaibab and do it before the ride at slick rock with Paul. Tomorrow I will also buy a roof rack for my car, and car seat covers. There are many flies buzzing around me right now, but they aren't bugging me that much right now. I think I will ask Paul to take this upcoming Westwater trip for me so I can go down Cataract canyon with Zane and Alvin and then do a two day Westwater, and then off to college. I did medicine cards today, I feel very energized listening to Calleto's led Zeppelin, but the medicine wheel layout said something like a new path for my sophomore year has something to do with observing the big picture, and just kicking back and watching things happen:

Medicine cards for summer
moon lodge
crow
snow butterfly spider (up)
coyote
pathway
badger weasel
bat bear butterfly
buffalo lynx (Upside down)
sun lodge spread
swan
elk lizard lynx
owl
Medicine wheel spread
snake
bat wolf dragonfly
turkey
school (1st semester)
horse
hawk spider grouse
weasel

I cannot remember what I was going to write. I wanted to write something about why I like rafting. I am psyched about going to school, I think I have a good start on having a calm enough mind to enjoy doing my school work. I think the reason that I don't have many thoughts right now is because I don't need them. I'm just here, that's fine with me on the mental level, but I'm not sure I can take it so easily deeper down, when you have no thoughts; but want them, don't force them.

Later that night: I got stoned and am ready to write now, this journal is perfect to have when I don't go to sleep. So this is what I plan to do when I get to Durango. I want to get that Urt from Smitty, and when I get to school, I will look for land somewhere to put it on. I want to ask the BLM if there are any places, maybe buy land, or see if somebody would let me live there. I want to learn how to do the 3,000 mile tune up, either take it to a shop to do it and watch them, or figure out how to do it from the book, or have someone who knows about them to show me. I want to buy a roof rack so I can strap things up there, so until I get a permanent pad I will live in my van.

I am starting to feel a little about having a change and going back to Durango for a new start studying and staying busy with friends. I think I can live out of a urt comfortably enough, and that would be supreme if I have some land of my own! I actually kind of dig living here in my car, I have everything I need to be happy right here, meaning I could travel anywhere in the country and explore with gas money, maintenance, and food, as my room and board, live off my savings. I dream of going to California next Thanksgiving break, and hanging out with my brother and dad, and check out Eselen. Maybe even bring mike, and maybe mom would come also. I want to drive around and explore the southwest like every weekend. I want to try out kayaking and mountain bike, I want to climb peaks, I want to hang out, I want to learn and observe life.

I feel in a really good place, I feel like I am really living in the moment well. I am looking forward to reflecting on this summer, and looking forward to next summer with new ambitions. I am sure there will be many. I don't want to get depressed of the monotony because I don't want there to be any monotony. I want to always be energized. I want to greet each day with a welcoming smile. I do live like that now, I think I have learned a lot this summer. About people, dealing with them with love and understanding and communication, and being strong at being objective, understanding and acting sincere to everyone. I have lived outside all summer long, so I have had a lot of time figuring things out, watching the sky. I love to stay busy. I love having all these positive vibrations all around me.

I love playing with the current and rowing. I cannot wait to do the trip day after tomorrow with my glasses, and running westwater, I want to coach Ruby down it, that would be a blast! I hope Ann lets me.

I am really looking forward to seeing my friends at school and hanging out with them: Bernie and Judah will be there, Jared and Eric. Andy Paton I will contact. Eric Nevin is going to C.U. next year, that is a bummer. I feel really grounded and whole and humble, willing to keep a positive attitude in the face of anything. I was kind of a freak last year, I don't know why, but I will not be living on campus this year, and living with such craziness.

Last year was hell for me in terms of dorm life. My first roommate, Brian O'Connor just makes me cringe when I think of him. He ripped me out of bed one morning because he said I moved a picture of his; just suddenly flipped out on me, and he was even acting like Mr. bad ass until he wasn't my roommate anymore. He took it all so seriously, he was from L.A., he makes me never want to go to L.A.. my next roommate was Chad Scott. He provoked Brian to spaz, and his roommate, that fat kid Derin. Chad was also crazy, but we liked each other. When second semester came around I just laid really low and studied all the time. I was seriously antisocial. The first semester I was crazy, shaved my head 3 times and grew a huge go-T, and basically was completely open, with all my energy, but it backfired. I didn't stay grounded and opened myself up too much. Last year toward the beginning at the same time I got into the scrabble with Brian, I made friends with Eric Nevin, he was my best friend there, he had such a good attitude about himself, I really needed a friend who said "Yea, were the best". He taught me so much, he felt like my big brother, in a time when I was feeling like a recluse. I really am going to miss him. Andy was my next good friend, we made a sweat lodge, and went to Wacko Tanks for about ten days at thanksgiving break. We got into a squabble one time in Mexico when we got drunk and drove into Mexico. He snapped at me because we couldn't find our way back to the U.S.. I think we were lucky we weren't any worse off. So we sort of drifted, but I think we forgave each other toward the end of the year. He is a crazy bonsai person as far as trying new things and in the out doors. I look forward to telemarking with him at Purgatory this winter. Another good friend of mind toward the end of the year is Jared Clark, we went on many rides, hung out, and I went backpacking with him for a week in Canyonlands with, Eric Owen, Trent, Jason Parker, and Colin and Pooh. That was a great time. I think I am so anxious because I am looking forward to it so much. I have just a couple more trips left, so I should cherish them. It is 3:18 A.M, that is weird I am still up at this hour, I should have showered. I will probably sleep late tomorrow.

8-26-93

Today I drove down town with Paul, I dropped him off at the laundry mat and then closed my account at the bank, then went to the gas station and filled up. When I turned the key nothing happened, so I fixed a flat on my bike and rode to the laundry mat and told Paul, so then I went and got his car, so he pushed me to the shop. It was real minor, all he did was whack the wire coming out of my battery with a hammer. It cost me ten bucks but I was so glad to know that it was such a minor problem. Then I went back to the big park out here at Moab. On the way there I saw Kyral. She is on a day off between six day patrols in Cataract canyon. When I got back I played Frisbee with Paul and then tried to read and write here.

8-31-93

I left Moab on the 26th with Caletto and met my mom. I hope a get a cool roommate, I could be roommates with Alec Locey I guess, he needs a room. I will be staying over at Bernies for the first two weeks. I went out to the sweat lodge today with Judah to check it out and talk to Lester who owned the land and ask him if we could build a sweet lodge. He said it would be fine if we kept the land clean. Then we went into town and got more insulation and plastic and a hand shovel, and some string, we still need a hatched also. Now to build it all do is ride out there. Tomorrow I wouldn't mind going out to the amphitheater and studying, getting all caught up on the reading.

1995

6-23-95

I finished Way of the peaceful warrior today, I read it in two days, I read Starseed in one day, both 200 page books, I am turning into a reader

6-24-95

Bernstat was fun today, I will no longer trust jagged looking ridges, especially when there is tall snow, it is the easiest climbing, sliding down was the greatest and so easy!

6-29-95

Yesterday was an interesting one, I tried to climb Democrat, but weather came as I was nearing the top and I freaked out about lightning, then after a storm I climbed Bross and ran to the other one but as I was just shy of it I freaked out about lightning again which I didn't need to and came back. Today it was foggy and wet all day (now 1:23) a couple hours ago I started to climb the three 14ers I still have to do, but something held me back, I am not ready for roughing it in the wet yet, so I came back. Today is day 8 and my rest day. I hope tomorrow is hot and sunny. If it is like today, I will leave anyway, I will be physically rested up. I set my alarm for 5 this morning, but I didn't get up because it was foggy and I had been cold and felt like I needed more sleep, from now on I will have my sleeping bag zipped at least half way so I don't have to worry about being cold. From now on I want to get up at 5 or when the sun first comes out. Tomorrow I will. Another problem of mine is lightning fright, I am way more than I should be.

From now on in storms I will keep progressing until I hear that electrical buzz, Seth (from the Jane Roberts books) says you don't die unless you choose to. This summer, maybe I needed that experience to show myself how paranoid I was. I was so disappointed yesterday when I bagged out on those peaks for the second time and realized I didn't have to. I need an attitude more like Andy's. The feeling made me so weak in all parts of my being. That way I will get up at 5 tomorrow I ride strong when I have good start and am 7-9.

7-20-95

I got up at 5 A.M.. and ate my pre-cooked meal and hit the trail at 6 A.M.. I was going to climb La Plata peak but I saw I had to go down a cliff area to get to the straight shot there, I totally could have done it but something in me said "no, your pack is a long way away and it's not worth the lightning". So I automatically gave up and turned back. As I was hiking back I regretted not going for it, I could have probably summated and been back at the pack by noon and it was a cloudless sky. I really want to climb La Plata. I have a nice peaceful camp and will hand out here until I climb all five of these mountains, I hope La Plata is possible form this end.

At first I didn't bring bud because I didn't think I would need it. Well, maybe I don't need it but I want it. So I went back and got it. Now I get high 3 or 4 times daily and wish I brought more because I want to be high all day: I want to be high all day, why? So I don't get bored, is that bad? Nothing is bad, just don't fret when you run out, for that is where the sankaras are produced.

7-22-95

This is a solo trip as much or more as a mountain trip. I will get up at one tomorrow. This morning, as with all mornings when I dream well, I was feeling clear and good.

Had neat dreams last night but didn't write them down and forgot them. I got up at one today and thought it was 4:30 stepped outside, and got the stove going until I looked at my watch and it was 1:35 or something that received me because I hadn't even hit REM yet. I ended up ignoring my 4:30 alarm at 6:42, I climbed three 14ers today, Wisconsin and two others. I summated the final of the tree at about eleven and saw a black cloud and decided to take the tree route back, it is much longer and more tedious. I didn't have to, it cleared up for the rest of the day. But the tree hiking was a good experience. Coming back I had my first feelings of loneliness, this is day six I guess and I have at least 10 to go. I hope my food holds out. If it doesn't I will see if I can get a ride into Buena Vista with some people from Mt. Princeton hot springs. I hope I can hike the twelve miles I want to tomorrow, I will get up early.

I smoked pot all day long yesterday and hammered up 9 miles, five being straight up, so I tripped out. I got high this morning and was tripped out all day, which turned into my lonely trippy feelings. I climbed Wisconsin about a thousand or so feet through snow at about 65 degrees then glissaded down the other side.

7-25-95

Well I hiked the twelve miles my feet were really sore but the rest of me felt fine. The trip was from 8'ish. 5:30, 9:30 hours with an hour long breakfast stop. I intend to get up at 4:00 tomorrow for the Columbia, Harvard climb tomorrow. The trip will be about 15 miles, about the same as what I did yesterday. I measured it before and 7 was what I came up with, but did it again and got 15, it must have forgotten to double it. Then I hope I can get up early again day after tomorrow and climb Yale and hike into the road and hitch to Buena Vista, get supplies and hitch to Mount Princeton Hot springs. It will be about 9 miles. 5 pack miles (3 straight up) and four peak miles. I wonder how much of that I can do in one day we will see. I feel like I'm still getting stronger instead of weaker. I will stretch now.

7-26-95

Well I am happy to say that I successfully climbed Mount Columbia and Mount Harvard, and hiked up two miles almost to timberline, and only about a mile from where I will leave my pack to climb Yale, which is only two miles after that. And then a 3-4 mile stroll to the rode where I will hitch hike into Buena Vista for more food. And then hitch from there to Mount Princeton hot springs. I will be saving myself a days worth of hiking also. If I cannot get a ride, I have enough food to hike to the hot springs. I will see how likely people are to picking up hitch hikers in the mountains who want to go less than ten miles.

7-28-95

Then I woke up and tossed around a little bit and just as I started to get to sleep I heard my watch beep three times and since it beeping on the hour is only twice, I thought it was the alarm which goes off for about 20 seconds. My first alarm is at 4:10, so that is what time I thought it was, so I packed up camp and ate my oatmeal and was just about ready to go. I thought it would be about 5 by now and it didn't start getting light out so I looked at my watch and it was 3:18, 'I must have gotten up at two, silly me!" So hid my pack under the tree and left. I got about a half mile and I saw a split in the road so I decided to get high and stretch for about a half hour and got up and it as still pitch dark and I got a little paranoid. I saw my shadow in front of me and thought it was a creature stalking me so I got my mountain ax "on guard" and creeped toward it. I was scared because It was mimicking my lateral movements. I wasn't until I got about ten feet from it until I realized it was my shadow. Then I found myself on a grassy slope and decided to rest until it was light out, which was about another half hour. I summited at about 9:45 and got back at about 2:00 about 11 miles. Hiked for about 1/2 Mile until a guy said "want a ride" and gave me one for the rest of the two miles, which I needed. I was burnt today, my sixth hard day in a row: 23rd 9.5 miles and peaked, 24th 14 miles, 25th, 13 miles, 26th 13 MI, 27th peaked, and p 9 m, and 28th PEaked and 11 miles. My feet are still the sorest of everything. It is easy from hear on out. I only have to pack four miles tomorrow so I will sleep in and stretch and take my time and do French and read that Christian scientific proof and god book that those nice old people gave me who gave me the ride from the south side of Yale to Buena Vista where they shopped for me and took me to the hot springs where I soaked and had a bud and fries and called mom and gave Ian's mom to tell Wyndham to pick me up on the second on Highway 50. It would be cool if he is there, I will be there, it works out perfectly for me. But knowing Wyndham, something might come up. After I drop Wyndham and Mike off at Vipassana I will drive over to the 14ers near Aspen that I dogged out on about a month ago. Then off to D-town with Wyndham to get ready for the fort. This couple just came up and the guy said, "Oh, you're the guy climbing up the 14ers, I heard about you". Then a guy I was talking to last night came up and said, "Oh, the peak man!" I feel so darn special.

7-29-95

Well I hiked the four miles and barely made it. I could really feel the extra weight that the boots gave me. Packing in sandals with this weight hurts the feet anyway. I think I am hitting a burnout stage or something because the last three times I got high I got HIGH. Maybe the first time on this trip I that I got really stoned last night from that big resin ball I scrapped sparked it. Or the fact that I am still smoking it, I think the latter. Resin has a trippier, more powerful effect by a lot over just the swag bud, it's nicer. I don't know why some hard core stoners don't smoke resin, its good for me though because I can scrape their pipes. I ate the beans and will eat humus now as a recovery tactic with good food. I have had that stuff for about a month and a week now, and it should go out with a bang.

7-30-95

Today's hike was very nice, good energy about the mountain. The day was easy, first I slept (deliberately) through the 4:00 alarm because I wanted more sleep, so I woke up at 5:30 and got off at about 6:45. Early on at 8:00 it looked like there was a dark cloud overhead. I prayed for it to go away and when I was at the top it was gone. I estimated it to be a 8 mile hike and it took me 5:45. I felt good and went fast but I am really sleepy now, so I am still a little burnt. I think when you are physically exhausted, you are more of a light weight to the Ganja, marijuana, pot, dope, bud, nugs, stony, herb, grass, salad, mota, or whatever you want to call it. I got this up this morning and was tripping high and I still feel it now. I like getting up before the sun comes up. Its when you are still in dream land and thinking clear and lovely.

7-31-95

I don't think I ever recorded this fight. It was last summer and I had worked at the diner and climbed and worked on the wall and then Jamie, and the "non", and another kid came in that night and they brought a kind bowl that we smoked and then we smoked a joint. Then I decided to go to Eric's house but had to wait for Bernie to shut his dog up. I remember being really frustrated he was taking so long, he must have been there yelling at and shaking his dog Irie for at least a minute. Then he finally came and there were about 7-8 kids hanging around a black pickup truck in front of the house. All the kids were staring at us and I said "Hey," they all stared back. About 50 feet down the road they started yelling, "Hey bitch, come here white boy!" and I was on my bike and said, "Man what should we do", and he said "nothing, just keep walking." Then they ran up to us and started asking Bernie questions like, "what are you doing on the south side". "Because I cannot afford to live anywhere else". "Hey, I lived here all my life man". Then a block down the road they jumped in front of us and one asked me "Is he your friend", "yeah he's my friend". "Would you die for him?" "What? no". And then Bernie turned and walked away from them and I think a kid grabbed his shoulder and he shrugged it off and the kid started wailing on him and he was fighting back and trying to run away. There were Mexican women following us and pulled in between Bernie and I. I ran 10 or 15 feet down the road and set my bike down and told the women to call the cops and started wailing on the kid. Then the two other kids started wailing on me. Then I looked around and Bernie was gone and two kids were chasing me and the third was riding my bike. So I ran back to the house and they followed me to the gate and I said "come on, please give me by bike back", and the kid said "no way" and the other kid said "I'm gonna kill you". So I said "If I fight you will you give me my bike back?", and he said "yea". So we took off our shirts and got in the middle of the street. I just waited for him to punch me first. He passed me then munched me in the forehead and I saw stars. Then I punched him I think in the left eye. Then we got in a couple scuffles. Then he dived for my waist and I elbowed his back about a half dozen times. Then we fell down and I got up and I said "alright I fought you, give me my bike", and the two kids said "Kiss my feet" and I said "you'll kick me". Then the cops came and they ran and later the cops found my bike.

8-1-95

Got back at 11:30, started at 6:00, 5:30 hours. Got picked up by a guy who took me into Salida. In the trailer park along the way was an ex fort Lewis guy who wondered if the guy would take him to the pass for a "Burn-down". But he never told him that. On the way out the guy said "He should just ride, he'd be there by now" I said "Yea, just 60 miles, 30 down hill. This guy wanted to do the Iron man and climb all the 14ers and was "two years from retirement" and was from Wisconsin, Bad ass. I like talking to people like that. He looked 55-60.

8-2-95

Saw the dark side of Salida. Salida is a hillbilly town. I bought a pint of whiskey and went to the library until 8:30 and then went to Safeway and the park and drank and then walked back to camp on main street and all over the place were high school kids at about 10:00 p.m. There were 15 at least on a four block strip all driving down to the end of town through the park across the river and turn around and go to the other end of town and then go back up again. I was hiding under the bridge watching the cars turn around. After I finished the whiskey I went to bed at about 12:00 A.M.. I remember seeing a car make the lap at 2:00 A.M.. It was probably pretty regular until then. At some points about half a dozen cars would make the turn around right together, once I looked up and saw about three kids smoking cigarettes right across the street from me. At another point a cop pulled someone over right next to me.

While I as walking down main street everybody was staring at me. I saw two stumbling funny chubby white guys run past me and then run back saying "who called us boy, not him, he doesn't have the balls, he's just a scraggly hippy". Every other car someone screamed something at me. One kid from a car said "Haven't you ever heard of a hair cut?" I said "no" and he said "mother FUCKER!" Then someone else screamed something at me and I ran to my hiding place. There were kids literally every where. As I looked out they were all over riverside park and downtown. But when the sun rose the normal people were back.

Crested Butte

8-6-95

I was picked up by the homies and we drove to black Canyon national park and tripped shrooms and I threw a huge branch off the 1,500 or so sheer cliff. Then we went to Hotchkiss and Wyndham bought us breakfast for his birthday (20). After I dropped them off I drove to Crested Butte (10 miles or so past) and hiked over Rustler Gulch pass and set my alarm for 1:00 A.M. to climb Castle Peak seven miles away and attached it to my right dread as always. But I slept though the alarm and had a dream that I walked out to look at the pass I was planning on climbing next to get to Pyramid and Maroon Bells and it was a sheer cliff. Then I woke up at 5:00 Am. but decided not to go for castle because it has been cloudy recently and I didn't want to have to climb over that gnarly 13,000 foot sharp ridge any later than noon. Sharp enough by noon it was raining over there. During breakfast I remembered the dream and walked over to look at it and it was just like what I saw. I saw a place where I could get over but if it was any more of a cliff on the other side I couldn't have done it. Then I remembered I had a mountain bike and if I stayed on this trip I would only have like one day to ride, and If I went back now I would have more than a week. Plus I was sick of hiking and jonesing to ride, so I kicked back. I had an amazing single track ride that went way up to tree line but had to turn around because it started raining. I will ride the whole thing before I leave.

8-6-95

My dad's birthday. I got up kind of late because I was tired. And fixed Wyndham's bike as much as I could and then went on a ride up Crested Butte mountain. I put $17 in my shoe thinking it wouldn't come out because it had a bad feeling that I would lose it. Next time just put it in the jersey because it fucking came out and I couldn't fuckin find it. I felt so bad so I called my mom and she said not to worry about it. So I went back to my car and went in to the town and got nachos. I think I'm done eating nachos when I'm hungry. it's too much money and there is too much grease in the chips and cheese. Next time just get an ice cream and pig out on rice and potatoes. At the restaurant I called my dad and he said to write him.

8-7-95

It took me forever to get to sleep last night. I have noticed that when the moon is out I get any at night and cannot get to sleep. I think the moon reflects a certain kind of subtle ray that permeates roofs and speeds up my spiritual development because I get the "last day of school syndrome". Somebody on a mountain bike just said "There's that love van".

8-8-95

Last night when the sun went down I tried to hike two 14ers that were only 7 miles away. But the trail crossed a raging river up to my waist. I wasn't into that so I tried to bush wacky 1/2 mile to were the trail crossed again, but after a quarter of skree and 60 degree bush wackage it turned to a sheer cliff to the river. So I turned around and went one half mile up to the bridge crossing to cross there and bush wack one half mile down. After crossing a large uncharted river and following a narrow trail and following it back to the river and finding out that it was a huge field of tree-bushes for who knows how long I said "fuck it" and picked about 100 but wipe plants to use as a sleeping bag. I cat napped there until I got too cold at about 3:30, and came back. But now the moon was over the ridge and it was dark, but I made it back at about sunrise. It was a fun trip and I wasn't frustrated any of the time. At about 8:30 when I was getting ready to leave I found Wyndham's pipes and scraped the
highly resonated pipe Tetsuko gave to him and smoked a goober and got stoned and blasted fish on the 10 mile drove up the dirt road. I was very pleased with the ride of the car. I was all "This drives as good as my dad's car".

8-10-95

Afternoon- I woke up exhausted this morning, and I was unusually tired this morning. And I feel kind of agitated and my resting pulse rate is high. I think I am over trained. I predict I will wake up tired again tomorrow. I rode strong though to the end of the day. If I feel weak tomorrow I will go for a run and climb a small peak. I forgot to call my mom today.

8-11-95

Heres the song I thought up last night: Love is the way it is, its the way it is, its the way it is, its the way it is, its the way it is, yea. Why? just look at the un-I -Verse, how did it become that way? Through love, cause its the way it is, yea. What is love anyway? The desire to create beauty and infinite pos-i-bility, yea! So love! Cause it's the way it is, there's no way around it! Just accept me, for the way I am, and you can feel free, to bee you! And be what you wanna become! Because love! It's the way it is, its just the way it is, there no way around it.... don't fight it! It's the way it will be, its the way it's al-ways-been. Uh-hu, yea, come on, lentos go, to where you want to go, cause LOVE!...

I want to write a lot of songs I know I can think of them, it's all part of being an author. I want to make a drum and pound out songs. Hopefully some day with someone else. I think these wacky dreams are good for me because they help me to practice dealing with loving kindness to people who are freaking out, and let me know how I am doing on my path. I don't think I killed that guy in my dream physically, I cannot remember but i think I just kept unhatingly kept pushing him off me until he got sick of it and turned into the people who got into the car with me, like he was my family that I couldn't run away from and he didn't want to separate from me. The people were badgering me, but I parked and my brother and I think someone else and I just stayed there arguing with them and keeping them from hurting us by pushing them off until they just "came down" and transformed. When I yelled at him and told him to buy me a new stove, he just got madder. i think my life calling may be healing people who are seriously freaking out and feel a whole lot of hate and just need someone there to interact with to act as a catalyst to their "coming down" off their intense trip. I was in a trip sort of like that for about half a dozen years and severely for three (jr. high), so I know what it's like and I know I am good at keeping my cool because I did it already and came out with out every being an asshole. through my dreams I prove to myself I can stay a nice, good person to freaking people. It feels dangerous but I never get scared in my dreams, so I know I am that strong, or at least as resilient in real life. Just wave at everybody, especially cowboys and gangsters and old people, because they need it the most, and it makes me feel like I am making the most progress. Where as if I were to consciously great people who look like me. I don't even like people who look like me.

Another song: "You cannot classify the truth, how can you classify infinity", and all, all and one, I was he, and he was she, its as simple as ABC, or 1-2-3. Just think abut eternity and it's the way it should be, my baby, don't you see, try to be me, or else just be, free. Hee, hee, hee, ha, ha ha ha ha la de da, la de da. Sing the song that you wanna sing! and ring it true brotha! whetha your quiet or loud, soft or proud, fast or slow, no or go, yes or no. I'll tell you where I wanna go, and that's there, and that's here, and it's great good, happy, perfect, the way it is, is the way it should be. So how can this be more similar to this, if it's not when you look at it like this or this or this or this. On down the line, towards the oh so effervescent shine of eternal truth. Oh Jah great god spirit of all, as the whole is greater than the sum of it's parts. We are greater than you and me, my cutchie, duckie buddy. So help me be, cause it'll help you too through and through, I love you and it make me feel so smooth.

8-12-95

Last night I spent 9 bucks on all you can eat fish and chips. and gravely regretted it. I DON'T WANT FRIED FOOD EVER AGAIN! I was up groaning until about two A.M., not to mention the money I wasted. I only have 50 bucks now. I will only spend money on gas and Cheap food now. I have to. I hope to god that lesson was the last time around in the circle of learning that fried food not only makes me feel rotten physically, but heavy and so much more receptive to negative energy that I can barely stand it. PLEASE!

1996

9-23-96

It has been over a year since I have written in my journal. As always a lot has happened. I had a very productive year at school last year I joined Wilderness Defenders. At first it was great, but I got so consumed by the end of the second semester that I was sleeping all day during the week days and weekends. I barely exercised at all, by far my most lax 9 months ever. I learned a lot though, about the environment, what I believe, how I should trust people, what my skills are, etc.. I am a natural born teacher, leader, guide, and motivator. I believed I turned a lot of people on to the environmental movement with my excitement.

In the fall I managed to go on a weekend mountain bike trip with Pooh and Nickey, but my mountain bike broke in half at the beginning of the first ride, but I offered to stay the second day so they could ride. I went bike touring this summer, rode to Moab and hung out with this guy who was born with his legs 180 degrees backwards and didn't say a thing until he was eight, his name was Jim. He used to beat the crap out of people for no reason and has a bullet in his head from gangsters who where mad at him for selling bags of bud too cheap and costing their business. He made a weightlifting world record for the special Olympics though. He was touring this summer from Seattle, he says it's rad but rainy.

I couldn't ride no mores after this big ass ride because of my right knee, so Judah offered to drive my ass back to T-ride, where I hungeth out for about a week and then went on bike a tour with Wyndham down to Sedona Arizona. It was a very fun 10 day tour, we rode a 180 miles on the last day. Then I hung in Telluride for about another week and it rained every day. Then I went to Durango for the third summer session and took English as a second language. I rode my mountain bike about every day until my bike was stolen, so I got disgruntled and stopped riding for about two weeks. Then I went on a 200 mile bike ride to Dolores the long way, I tried to do the whole 240 mile "death loop", but got sleepy and crashed in the post office. Then I went on a group ride and kicked asses, broke off the front for a long time and shit. The next day I done gone went on another group ride and talked to Jaimie Carney, and Chris (Eric's ex-roommate), and got even more excited about the bike season.

I went to Boulder to get me a new van because my piece of shit didn't work no mores. That was when I found out my dad had Cancer and had "three months" to live. I cried and cried that weekend and was really somber the next week, then I cheered up, and flew to California with my mom. After a couple of weeks we came back, and I started organizing the garage, which took about two weeks because I was going places on the weekends. I went to do Iawasca with dad, Wyndham, Mariana, and those other two nice women I cannot remember their names.

The next weekend I helped Eric and his buddies kill ducks for the experience, which I doesn't want to does no more. I tripped booms with Eric and this girlie Julie which was wacky cause I was so wacked, and so was they in their own unique ways. I was wacked because I was making my mom cry because I was "tearing up the house" in the garage cleaning efforts (the neighbors though I was living in there). Now its nice and I've been pumping out in there the last couple days with Tom. I hung out with mike the other day, he and Doug who is mellow and nice. I played his high-fi video game racing sports cars.

10-4-96

I went to Durango day before yesterday because Wyndham wanted to switch cars. The van broke down on the way there, overheated. I didn't really feel good being there, the energy didn't mesh well with me. I left the next morning. I feel really weird now. I love listening to the radio now, all the songs are so great I want to record them.

Mike just came by, we might go running tomorrow.

10-16-96

This is the second day in a row that I have felt under the table. Yesterday it was physical, today it is mostly mental. I need to spend more time studying.

10-23-96

I am doing good. I rode to the top of flagstaff today and saw Judah and Jamie. then I went to Judah's house and played basketball with Jamie and Judah. Then I hung out with Tom and he gave me a bible to read. I have been exercising quite a bit lately. I have thought of a lot of things to write about but I cannot think of them right now. I am really stoned now. I will meditate. I will write the new lyrics down. I want to be a rapper. So I need to have rhymes that sound good. peace out.

11-5-96

I am at burnt out stage. i need to quit. I plan on getting up at 5:00 tomorrow, getting Mike and working out for a very long time. I want to get in shape so bad but my laziness gets me. My mind just don't work the power i want it to. I need to do these things: quit nugs, get up at five every dam morning, pump my ass off every day.

12-1-96

I am just kicken it. trying to put my riding shoes on again. I have contemplated a lot lately. about myself I have learned a lot. I am trying to get strong enough to workout every day and be active, but at the same time totally taking it easy. I haven't really done anything. I tried to type last night but I couldn't bring myself to do it, didn't think i could think. But I'm doing fine as fuck now. Because I got on a role by busting my arms and swimming. So Wyndham's bike touring in Nepal in a couple of months. wacky. bad ass song on now Dave Mathews what would you say. My typing is wacky now. I am so glad I am typing now.

Dads doing better emotionally now, me too. I want to join the bike team next semester and i will take 13 credits so i will have the time and i will live out of my van so alls well that ends well. and I want to work out.

12-6-96

I have been sick the last couple of days. last night was hell, i would sleep for a little bit and then wake up and have to move around and then go downstairs for water.

12-10-96

I feel real tripped out right now. I don't care about what people think about me. Meaning for the first time in my life i feel like not talking to anybody or getting to know anybody. Going to school next semester will be really interesting because i am not going to be very social. I want to go on all the rides with the bike team.

1997

1-18-97

So here we are in the future. I must say I am having a hard time. I came down here with a hundred bucks expecting $1,600 to be waiting for me, but they didn't have my application, so I have been broke the whole week, not able to afford any books, a car battery so I can drive, or food other than the C.U.B., or anything. I really want money now to I can buy things I need: Battery, Front left light to my car, bike components,
car stereo, rocket box, roof rack, school books, walkman, food.

I want it to warm up so bad because I am so hungry to go on huge rides, at this point even just by myself, but I am glad there are some strong riders on the team. There are two category twos and three more threes that I know about, so I will definitely be pushed and know how strong I am. I am thinking now that I want to do ultra distance mountain bike racing this summer and the collegiate cycling scene. I want to do summer school this summer and student teach next fall to get college over with and get on with my life. I have been having extremely bad insomnia for the last three nights, staying up until at least past one o'clock in the morning.

1-20-97

I feel like my life is beginning tomorrow because I will have money to buy food so I can start RIDING.

1-31-97

Well the snow finally melted and I rode to Farmington on Tuesday. On Wednesday I did the roller races and got last of the five fort Lewis riders, but I had kind of a flu and had mucus in my lungs. It was the first time that my lungs have ever given out before my legs on a bike. They said "good job", probably because I was breathing so hard it seemed like I was really suffering, but my legs didn't burn at all. On Thursday I swam a hundred laps to get my lungs in shape, that took me 1:50. Today I rode to Trimble in the valley and down to the Iron Horse, and back to Trimble and back to Durango and back to the Iron Horse and back to campus. I feel like my legs are really strong, not my lungs but I am not worried about that. I will improve a lot, I have been riding the least of the good riders.

2-2-97

I rode the group ride yesterday. I didn't ride today because I didn't have a good breakfast, it is gloomy outside, and I am kind of depressed. I don't really care about doing as well on the team as I thought, it is too much to ask considering the tripped out state that I am in. Things will change. My power is pretty good compared to the other riders. I burn out much sooner, but that is to be expected considering I haven't been riding. My main focus right now is to get ahead on school work and stay in decent riding shape, which I always am. My recovery is %100 percent right now, meaning no-matter how hard I ride I am totally fresh the next day. I feel physically invincible, and I think my mind will come around here pretty soon.

I hath come to many a realization today. I started to read Alice Bailey's book esoteric healing, and enjoyed it. It was a slow start. I want to give my senior seminar presentation on it relating to mythology. I feel better about not going riding today. I E-mailed Wyndham and Mike today and called mom, she was worried because she couldn't contact all three of us at the same time. I found out I have $1600 waiting for me because my loan came through. Today was a very intense day, I couldn't make myself ride because it was so gloomy and cold and I didn't have a good breakfast. I thought if I rode I would regret it. I really like that book, it is 700 pages but I will start flowing through it. I feel good now, no regrets. I think I will do a good presentation, and formulate what I think about the world, even if I have to work hard at it will be worth it. I sure hope Roland Jones lets me do it off that book, I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't because teachers have always controlled my creativity. I don't think he will. How exciting to do this presentation, I have something else to get ahead on. I already started that Middlemarch paper. I don't plan on reading that 900 page book, but will do an adequate job on it nevertheless.

2-12-97

I got a return letter from Andy today. That kid is really fearless of death and has a good relationship with it. Went skiing yesterday. Totally burnt today. Oh well. My mind is working good.

2-14-97

I talked to mom today, she said she just had a bad fight with mike and he is "all but moved out". She was in a distressed mood. I sure am glad I was home last semester.

College Tales part 1
College Tales part 2
College Tales part 3
College Tales part 4
College Tales part 5
College Tales part 6